Edit - June 27, 2007: My actual testimony wasn't this long or indepth (if I remember correctly I started with, "My challenge today is to sum up a lifetime with Christ in ten minutes"), but the points remain the same.
My testimony doesn't have a great epiphany, there isn't one single moment that I can pin point where I crossed over from being an unbeliever to having faith in Christ. I was raised in a church not unlike this one. Thanks to Sunday school and the children's sermon, I could tell you that Jesus loved not only me, but the entire world, from a very early age. However, it wasn't until I was about 12 that I desired to know God and perhaps gain some understanding instead of just knowing about Him. It was then that Matthew 7:7-8 came alive for me. 7"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Four years later, while at bible study at my friend Julie's house, on my 16th birthday, I made my first confession of faith. While I had always known that Christ had died for my sins, until that day I hadn't accepted Him as my personal Lord and Savior.
My testimony could end here, but the Lord had so much more in store for me. After high school graduation, I followed Julie to Bible College in Oklahoma. It was there in a small town in the Bible belt that I first heard a sermon all about fire and brimstone. I've been told that such sermons are supposed to lead to repentance, but not for me. I WAS PISSED! That preacher had just told me that my entire family was going to hell and he'd practically mentioned my father by name. I left in the middle of service, went back to my dorm room and started railing at God. He gives us free will, but if we don't do what He wants, He's going to have a tantrum and throw us in hell. Just who does He think He is? Like a child who feels she's been cheated at game, I gathered up my toys and come back home to Phoenix.
I came home an emotional unstable mess, plagued by depression and anxiety. I spent the next few months on couch, not wanting to live, but even more scared of death. Bible College had destroyed my faith, or so I thought. But like a 5 year-old who runs away from home for the first time, I looked around and realized that I had no place else to go. I felt like Simon Peter in John 6:67-68 67"You do not want to leave too, do you?" Jesus asked the Twelve. 68Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. 69We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God." I realized that while I was still angry, frustrated, confused, and depressed, at least I was still talking to God even if I was screaming at Him most of the time. I wasn't losing my faith, but rather, as it says in Philippians chapter 2, I was “working out my salvation with fear and trembling.” (Phil. 2:12) It is for this reason that I can be glad in times of trial. I have learned that the author and perfector of my faith does His best work during these times.
After the Lord gave me enough peace to get off the couch, I returned to school, this time at ASU, where I majored in accounting and minored in Russian. Whiled I enjoyed college, the thought of what I should do for the rest of my life was constantly hanging over my head. Even though I still wasn't sure whether I could trust the Lord and was often afraid of Him, afraid of choosing the wrong the path and having Him spite for the rest of my life, I knew that I wanted to serve Him. I just didn't know how. The closer I got to graduation, the more I felt like I was going to walk of the edge of a cliff. Much to my surprise, I didn't walk off the edge. The Lord did in fact provide for my every need. I moved in with my father and started working in the telecom industry. But I wasn't happy. The house was always a mess and though I learned a lot about the talents that the Lord had given me, my job was very stressful and to top it all off I was lonely.
In November of 2004, the Lord began to change everything. At Thanksgiving, I decided that my father and I needed to get serious about finding a duplex or I needed to move out. It was his choice. In March of 2005 we actually moved to 28th St. and Oak. In May, I changed jobs and became the bookkeeper at Phoenix Christian High School. While you might look at these blessings with joy, I was also wracked with guilt. I felt like I'd taken the easy way out. If I was really serious about following the Lord, I should have left everything and gone to Russia instead of making a more comfortable life for myself. That was until I started attending Whitton in June. It was then that I started to realize that perhaps Lord had plans and a purpose for me right here in Phoenix, Arizona. Not only has my relationship with Him continued to grow, but I've also been blessed to form new friendships with others who share my passion for missions, outreach, and the hope and power of the gospel.
Even with all of this, I didn't truly learn to trust the Lord until very recently. I've been struggling to live with grace for quite some time. I didn't want to abuse grace, but I didn't want to become legalistic. On the Monday before Easter, I'd finally had enough with the struggle. Tuesday morning during prayer I finally fell on my face before God and admitted that after 10 years, I was still a sinner saved by grace. My own attempts at righteousness have failed. That same night, He began to reveal other changes that he might have in store for me. After a year full of changes, I had really hoped that He was done, that perhaps He had led me to a final destination, a place where I could faithfully serve Him serve Him for the rest of my life, but has Christ says in Matthew chapter 8, such a place does not exist for the followers of Christ. Matthew 8:18 – 20 18When Jesus saw the crowd around him, he gave orders to cross to the other side of the lake. 19Then a teacher of the law came to him and said, "Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go." 20Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." If I truly want to serve Him everyday, I must be open to whatever changes and directions He has in store. As a follower of Christ, heaven is my only final destination and not a particular occupation, nor relationships, nor church, nor ministry, nor city, nor country. You see, while I had accepted Christ has my savior, I hadn't completely surrendered my life to Him. I wanted to serve him, but I wanted to do it on my own terms. However as it says in Matthew 16:24 -25 24Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 25For whoever wants to save his lifewill lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. In other words, I'm still walking towards the end of that cliff, but this time I more than willing to dive into whatever task He lays in front of me. As it says in Acts 20:24, I now “consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace. As a member of Whitton Avenue Bible Church, I'm excited to continue working along side each of you in the fulfillment of this task. And whether I call this building my church home for 30 years or another 3 months, I know that the bonds and friendships that the Lord has formed here will continue to spur me on in this journey until I reach my final destination, my heavenly home.
